single

shit...single still...sigh...sucks

i just hate it...it's getting to me hard and i'm letting it. how can't i, everyone's found their match and i'm out of options. my circle of friends is not that big and i really don't have the time to expand it. no to mention the skills to do so. the past schoolyear has just been great for archi, love was definitely all around....except me. but don't get me wrong, i did fell in love as well, it's just that i realized it too late and somebody else went ahead of the line. (i know i swore i wouldn't bring this up again but it's just a sidenote that had to put...)

there's this professor in our college that claims he's a psychic and many of my friends told me he's genuine. luis even consults him and he says he can read him like an open book without luis giving him any sort of information. now i really don't like the idea of someone poking inside of my head, that's why i try my best to avoid getting into a close proximity with this prof. yesterday, as i was waiting to be advised, he popped out of nowhere and walked past me saying, "you're lonely..." (!) he got me there! he got me there good. and he couldn't have used a better word. LONELY! that means your not only sad, you're alone. grrr...

the season isn't helping either, that close-up commercial...ugh...everyone's kissing this season...why can't i have anyone to kiss?! valentines approaching and to be quite frank this is the first valentines that i feel left out. the past years i didn't give a shit about this season, i apparently do now, the only problem is i don't have someone to share it with.

i have this communication problem and i think it's the reason why i'm still single. i can't picture myself carrying a good lengthy conversation with most of my female friends. i really need to find a girl that shares a whole lot of my interests so that we'd click and hit it off. but first i really need to meet up with a lot of people in order for me t find that certain girl. the problem is i don't have the time and resources. plus, i really need to build up if i'm to be presentable. i've so much to invest on and i need time and the resources! (something's telling me i'm wrong, and that i don't really need to do all these things, but my stubborn self believes otherwise.)

as of the moment, the archi22 has shrunk to archi19 minus calvin (non-existent), ricky (shiftee), kris (migrating). all of the remaining are in a relationship except for john, kat, luis, marj, hilary and me. luis and marj are dating people and its easy for them to get attached. john and kat are hitting it off and it'll only be a matter of weeks before they hook up. that leaves me and hilary who are both becoming desperate. some friends are egging us on but i know there's no mutual attraction and everything's plainly platonic. i've considered the thought, i'm not gonna lie, but there's just so many complications with that girl. she's obviously still in love with her ex (who's a beefcake compared to me haha) plus he's friends with my best friends ex (getting a bit confusing now isn't it?) plus she falls for articulate and well read guys...two things i'm not. i really wish i was articulate and can speak fluent english, plus i also wish i was very well read and cultured. something keeps telling me that unless i'm beefy, articulate and well-read, i'll never be one of hilary's crushes. haha i should probably be dreaming on.

but maybe enough about other people's type and how i measure up to them. it's time i gave some of mine haha...i wanna girl who's:

- chubby: not fat, but not slim either. she must be a bit "malaman"
- jologs: can stand pinoy entertainment, and pinoy jologs culture
- low-maintenance: go (mostly) anywhere, eat (mostly) anything, ride (mostly) anything, talk about anything, receive anything, and be happy about it
- well read: i guess it's a characteristic everyone's after
- easy to get along with: i can be myself and share everything
- shallow: haha not in a bad way, basta she has to be a bit shallow
- classy: not necessarily rich, but has class and is well dressed

i guess that's it! not too demanding diba? i'm pretty shallow myself and i think that'e a good thing. i swear i'm gonna find her soon! and when that time comes, i gonna hold on and never let go! until then, i'll keep on sulking the single life....

reunion with old friends

Last wednesday, i received a call from my mom saying she was informed by mang oca (our former long-term driver) that he had spotted cora magsaysay, one of my mom's best friends. we've been looking for them for so long trying to find them on friendster and all that. at last, their family and ours got in contact again after soooo long.

I couldn't even remember when we last saw the magsaysays. my mom said it was around 8 to 9 years! imagine, i wasn't even a teenager then! when i found out about them being around still, i was really glad that we would finally get to see them again. i had faith that we would.

Now tita cora invited us over to her birthday celebration so we went. It would've been better if my brother and sister were with us but nonetheless, i wanted to see them! as we were driving to their place in loyola grand villas, i was actually a little bit apprehensive because being my insecure tendancies, i was thinking if i was ready to meet them again. i decided to throw all that and grab this chance to catch up on old times with i think, the best family that we have come across in our entire lives as a family ourself. on the way i started reminiscing all the times we've spent together, tiny fragments of memorable instances, mostly sillyness that we used to do.

It took us a while to find their place coz it was a big subdivision and as i said, it was eons when we last went there. When we found their place, the nostalgia was undescribable. the house was a bit worn out but it was still as nice as i recall it. when we entered, i had this surge of emotions and it felt like it was only yesterday that i was there. the aquariums, the upside-down bikes, the dogs, the christmas decors, they were so different yet so familiar. but what got me the most was the smell! oh my god the smell! tita cora smelled the exact same way she smelled ever since! it got me like bullet, as in i was like in a nostalgic nirvana of the good old days. i was incredible that i couldn't keep it to myself and i started telling janet all these childhood memories we had together!

tita cora looked different from what i pictured her to look like. she was less plump and wrinkles are now evident. tito cesar was still fat but his hair was gray. i wasn't sure if i wanted to meet the kids right away though. i imagined it would be a bit awkward for us coz we're not my mom and tita cora. but i'll get to that later on. now in their living room, i immediately looked at the family pictures to get a look at what they look like now. i assumed that in the span of 9 years, people would look a lot different. the one pic that i remember had tito cesar, tita cora, kristine and carla who looked equally dashing and all grown up, and a chubby guy who i assumed was gabby because i really didn't get to spend much time with him that's why i had a very faint image of what he looked and might look like now. i wondered why raffy wasn't there in the pic. i decided to let it pass for the moment...

I went around more to look at their seven german shephards with individual cages and just thouht to myself, man these guys are rich. then tita cora called raffy and carla over to meet us. i first saw carla who peeked out the door and screamed to her brother "rap! si jacky chan!" which i know was a joke knowing her sense of humor. i waved hi back. it's different to see someone in a picture and in person. in the pic she was all glamoured up, but when i saw her in her house clothes, she looked sooo familiar. actually among all of them she changed the least! she's still this short morena girl that had a pleasant smile. she's now a councilor in zambales at 22! impressive. then raffy went out. man has he grown. but he was quite like what i assumed he would. he was lean, with that same smirk on his face. it was however quite surprising to see his bad ass image. he's a smoker apparently and he had this big scar on his forehead. it was weird coz i really didn't know what to say. i mean i know i could've chatted a lot more but i had a hard time asking him what's up and where he got the scar. it was such an awkward moment with me just sitting there and him smoking beside me, not talking...i recalled when as kids we would also have a hard time catching up when we haven't seen each other in a while. imagine what 9 years would do, plus the fact that we ain't kids anymore who would get along with any given toy or cartoon program. it was definitely weird but i really hope that we could become close again eventually coz i think he's the only genuine friend and playmate i had as a child and now that we're reunited, i would like to renew that bond. i later found out that he got the scar from a recent motorcycle accident.

We were just sitting around when my mom pulled me over saying she needed to tell me something. i knew at that moment that something was wrong, i mean the look on my mom's face was beyond words. she told me news that shocked me. after 9 years without communication, we missed out on the magsaysays and didn't even know that gabby, their eldest son, has already passed away in 1998 in a car accident. man i couldn't believe it! now i know why there was only one son in the family picture, that was raffy when he bulked up, and gabby was no longer with them. in all honesty i didn't know how to handle it, i never had a close friend that passed away in such an early age. it was sad and my mom even cried. even though it has been more than 6 years already, the news was well new to us...

i couldn't help but be a bit emotional myself coz we had such a good time as kids! gabby was brother's partner, kristine and carla would join my sister, and raffy and i were the ones who paired up. janet was too young then being a late addition to our family. we were so close and we enjoyed doing the same stuff since our ages had one year intervals (jim-1979, julie-1980, kristine-1981, gabby-1982, carla-1983, jax-1984, raffy-1985...janet-1992). Now that gabby's gone, it just won't be the same...

then i noticed a little girl in a pink outfit running around with the invited charity kids. i then found out that she was kristine's 3-year old daughter, miggy. it was not much of a surprise coz i guess it is in kristine's character to marry young (not in a bad way). in a few more minutes, kristine came back from getting some ice cream. she's still that tall black beauty that i recall her to be. she had this boyfriend who was likewise tall, and i assume miggy's a result of their love.

reuniting with the magsaysays overwhelmed me with mixed emotions. joy, excitement, apprehension, insecurity, sadness, anxiety, laughter, and most of all nostalgia. Those were the days i tell ya. It was a familiar feeling that i missed so much that it took me quite a while to just take everything and familiarize myself again. It was really good to see tita cora and tito cesar again. same with the rest of the family. i'm really looking forward to spending more time with them now. i just hope that things would as great as they once were.

weekend bummer

that's it 2am, that's my limit. in order to not stress myself up, i've sworn not to work on anything beyong 2am. it just blows that i work so slowly!!! i've just done the first two sheets and there's 13 + 9 more sheets to go! ack! not to mention all the exams and other requirements! i'm stress now as it is but i bet it'll get more stressful soon...ugh
this weekend should've been devoted to drafting and studying for the second exam for ar27. i just don't know if i'll be able to pull it off coz all of these new agendas started popping up out of nowhere. now i have a lunchdate with luis' friend plus our old family friend tita cora invited us to her birthday bash in loyola heights. sigh...not that i'm complaining or anything...i'm glad i have all these stuff for the weekend, the thing is the weekend is just too short for them and my schoolwork!
i need to finish all the plans and elevs by this weekend, and i need to study the first half of the coverage for ar27..........and i'd better get out of here in order to do that! just a few more minutes online and i'll start working. 12 to 2, deal? (i hope my back and knees stop aching!)

what's wrong?

i've been through a lot of thinking lately. these thoughts just keep bugging me even in my sleep they seem to creep into my dreams and force my brain to think it. i'm just wondering what's wrong with me. sometimes i just have these issues about people and myself. i don't wanna call myself socially inept but i think i'm socially disabled. i'm just no good with people. all of us has something that they're good at. i'm pretty good in arts and sciences, i want to believe that i am talented in more ways than one, but of all the things that i wish i was good at, it's public relations, dealing with people. of all my friends i think luis is the best when it comes to this, he reads poeple well, he knows how to make pakisama (yuck, conyo), and he has a lot of friends and he has the charisma that gains their trust. i want to have that skill. i don't know what's wrong with me coz i think it's not that hard, but somehow i just can't do it! i mean it's not like you can teach it, there are no textbooks for that, that's why i'm really in question...how did i get this way? and more importantly, is there still a way out?

i've come to several conclusions as to why i'm the way i am. is it because of my upbringing by my equally antisocial mother and sister? i mean my brother didn't turn out that way, and my dad's a pretty charming person himself. that leads me to my next theory, maybe beacuse i don't play any sport. athletes are normally very social people because you play with people. because of my asthma as a child, i was never allowed to engage in any rigorous sports. maybe that's why i'm such a nerdy now haha! i don't wanna blame my mom but she shouldn't have had my tonsils removed...another possible reason is our strict schedule when we were in high school. we've always lived lightyears away from school that's why we needed to go home early (commuting at that) while it was still bright outside. that sucked coz i seldom had the chance to go see female friends from our sister school. even on weekends we weren't allowed much to go out because we just lived so far away! i guess i was never a rebel before because i obeyed my mom's every command. i could say things got better in college. i had more freedom and i got to go out more. but still i was (and probably still am) very acad centered. which brings me to the next possible reason, a failed relationship. maybe i wouldn't call it a complete failure coz karla and i had a lot of fun when we were together...it's just that things got messy and we really wanted different things in the end. she went back to laguna and studied there, and last i heard she already has a boyfriend. we were just mu but still i had feelings for her and after that i just don't think i can handle rejection again. i guess that shattered my self esteem...maybe i really should learn to be proud of myself and the people in my life...but i really don't now why i feel like my friends are always judging me. perhaps its the long talks with luis. he's can be an ass i tell ya. he can come up with the nastiest insults and he ain't thinking twice before he says it (to me at least). i was just scared that he and all my other friends would judge karla, and now look at me, look at her...no one even ever knew about her...sigh, it's hard to recall all this but it's been bugging me. i think i'm traumatized now, coz now, i can't tell a girl if i like her, i can't even carry a good conversation with a girl i like. i just blow at it, and it sucks that i do. i've always had the idea that opposite ends would never meet, but i realized too late that opposites actually do attract. i always thought that in order for mitch to like me, i should be this and that. until lucas made a different approach and went for it no matter what...and guess what, he got the girl. maybe that's the root of it all. i try so hard to be someone else in order for people to like me. i try to come up with different personalities that cover up my own. perhaps i should just be myself (very cliche, isn't it?)...screw it, do what you want, say what you want, don't think of others. be who you are and it's upto them if they'll like you for that or not. real friends do.

so maybe there's really nothing wrong with me after all. the only thing wrong maybe is that i spend too much time thinking about all this when i really shouldn't be in the first place. i'm just tired of being alone and i miss the feeling of having "someone" special to me. i know that one day everything will go right for me and i will be happy (happier). i just hope that day comes soon, this year if possible hahahaha!

aight it's 2 am again, i really, really need to start sleeping early. dammit! good thing i still don't have class tomorrow (later?). my professor's still down with the flu, but i still need to work on our plate. i'd hate to cram this one. ok i'll see you next time (probably next week!) ;)

surf

i'm home and i have unlimited internet access...after a week at my dorm i've been itching to go online. but it's not all pleasure you know, i have to research on some stuff for school too. i'm kind of bummed out coz i don't know exactly what i should be looking for, or if what i've found are any good. therefore, i ended up using friendster, peyups, and obviously this...not without a little porn as well hehehe (the joys of private surfing).

anyway, it's 2 in the morning, i better sleep now. good thing today's a saturday with not much to do. but i'd better fix my sleeping time or else i might oversleep again when it is a schoolday. haha i swear, oversleeping for the first time was actually funny...good thing i didn't miss much...or maybe i did...oh well i just hope i can catch up and maintain my performance in class. it sucks to fail, i tell ya.

codename

since my old blog has lost its anonymity, and i found out that it's quite easy to search one's blog on yahoo, i've decided it's time to use codenames. in this post, i will put my friends' initials and give them their corresponding codenames. it may have something to do with who they look like or who they remind me of. alright here goes...

the archi22:
mc - luis
dy - angel
cc - nikki
kr - joey
ly - marj
ag - jena
jv - ricky
mm - katie
ng - gwyn
pa - john
mh - maui
co - calvin
jm - kris
cl - kat
mp - miranda
aa - alfred
mg - bea
jb - piolo
ad - hilary
bb - lucas
dg - mitch
and i shall remain as jax...although i like the name seth :)

my family need no codenames...i'll just refer to them as mom or dad etc...

if ever anyone still manages to find my blog, this'll serve as a guide! haha you'll have to think who matches who and why the hell did i give them these codenames. isn't this FUN?!?!

ok till further posts!

wapblogger

yay wapbloger is working! i thought my phone couldn't do this haha oh well have to make it short. i'll just post my wishlist for 2005:
vcd component
magic sing
bike whey & weights
puma shoes & vintage clothes leather flipflops & a messenger bag
silver watch
mini i-pod or discman
gameboy advance
nokia 6230
art stuff (i wanna paint again)
ooh and driving lessons

that's it for now...who knows what i'll be wishing for later on. i should just focus on saving and earning money for 'em all!

by the way, it's a happy day! i got my first win in scrabble! 332-287 nyahahaha!

perst fost

yahoo! a new year, a new blog, new experiences, new memories. i really hope 2005 will be a great year for me. the past year was ok but it was filled with nothing but you-know-what. but that's over. mike told me they were already on just two weeks ago so i guess i can't do anything about it now...not that i would've ya know. but i admit it, i mean it sucks being alone with no partner. everyone's hooking up in our group and being one of the singles is getting to me. therefore i shall hereby promise myself that by the end of this coming year, i will no longer be single!!!

anyway...the christmas break kinda sucked as well. you know what, this is the first year that i didn't feel a tad bit of the christmas spirit. is it because i'm no longer a teen??? ugh i hate getting old. and to think that in two months i will officially be a male adult (21 years old)...oh well, i guess that's just the way things work, the joys of christmas just loses its value as one gets older. i miss being a kid, when you had no worries, nothing was expected of you, and you're just the king of the world (or your household at least). this christmas break was spoiled by the pile of work our professors left us to do...i mean it's called a christmas vacation, you're not supposed to work during the holidays!!! but nooo...my sister and i spend every night studying while my brother still has his 36-hour shifts at the hospital. i'm soooo looking forward to this coming summer break...i swear i won't take any courses this time and just enjoy the break and go places, and learn new stuff that's not acad related. i hope this sem ends well though. sigh, i need to have more pep. i really need to step it up.

speaking of...i need to go back to studying now, i have an exam on the 4th and i'm already two days behind my proposed schedule. haha count on me to follow my schedule....