what's wrong?

i've been through a lot of thinking lately. these thoughts just keep bugging me even in my sleep they seem to creep into my dreams and force my brain to think it. i'm just wondering what's wrong with me. sometimes i just have these issues about people and myself. i don't wanna call myself socially inept but i think i'm socially disabled. i'm just no good with people. all of us has something that they're good at. i'm pretty good in arts and sciences, i want to believe that i am talented in more ways than one, but of all the things that i wish i was good at, it's public relations, dealing with people. of all my friends i think luis is the best when it comes to this, he reads poeple well, he knows how to make pakisama (yuck, conyo), and he has a lot of friends and he has the charisma that gains their trust. i want to have that skill. i don't know what's wrong with me coz i think it's not that hard, but somehow i just can't do it! i mean it's not like you can teach it, there are no textbooks for that, that's why i'm really in question...how did i get this way? and more importantly, is there still a way out?

i've come to several conclusions as to why i'm the way i am. is it because of my upbringing by my equally antisocial mother and sister? i mean my brother didn't turn out that way, and my dad's a pretty charming person himself. that leads me to my next theory, maybe beacuse i don't play any sport. athletes are normally very social people because you play with people. because of my asthma as a child, i was never allowed to engage in any rigorous sports. maybe that's why i'm such a nerdy now haha! i don't wanna blame my mom but she shouldn't have had my tonsils removed...another possible reason is our strict schedule when we were in high school. we've always lived lightyears away from school that's why we needed to go home early (commuting at that) while it was still bright outside. that sucked coz i seldom had the chance to go see female friends from our sister school. even on weekends we weren't allowed much to go out because we just lived so far away! i guess i was never a rebel before because i obeyed my mom's every command. i could say things got better in college. i had more freedom and i got to go out more. but still i was (and probably still am) very acad centered. which brings me to the next possible reason, a failed relationship. maybe i wouldn't call it a complete failure coz karla and i had a lot of fun when we were together...it's just that things got messy and we really wanted different things in the end. she went back to laguna and studied there, and last i heard she already has a boyfriend. we were just mu but still i had feelings for her and after that i just don't think i can handle rejection again. i guess that shattered my self esteem...maybe i really should learn to be proud of myself and the people in my life...but i really don't now why i feel like my friends are always judging me. perhaps its the long talks with luis. he's can be an ass i tell ya. he can come up with the nastiest insults and he ain't thinking twice before he says it (to me at least). i was just scared that he and all my other friends would judge karla, and now look at me, look at her...no one even ever knew about her...sigh, it's hard to recall all this but it's been bugging me. i think i'm traumatized now, coz now, i can't tell a girl if i like her, i can't even carry a good conversation with a girl i like. i just blow at it, and it sucks that i do. i've always had the idea that opposite ends would never meet, but i realized too late that opposites actually do attract. i always thought that in order for mitch to like me, i should be this and that. until lucas made a different approach and went for it no matter what...and guess what, he got the girl. maybe that's the root of it all. i try so hard to be someone else in order for people to like me. i try to come up with different personalities that cover up my own. perhaps i should just be myself (very cliche, isn't it?)...screw it, do what you want, say what you want, don't think of others. be who you are and it's upto them if they'll like you for that or not. real friends do.

so maybe there's really nothing wrong with me after all. the only thing wrong maybe is that i spend too much time thinking about all this when i really shouldn't be in the first place. i'm just tired of being alone and i miss the feeling of having "someone" special to me. i know that one day everything will go right for me and i will be happy (happier). i just hope that day comes soon, this year if possible hahahaha!

aight it's 2 am again, i really, really need to start sleeping early. dammit! good thing i still don't have class tomorrow (later?). my professor's still down with the flu, but i still need to work on our plate. i'd hate to cram this one. ok i'll see you next time (probably next week!) ;)