agnostic thoughts...

today was a day of a rollercoaster of emotions, (figuratively and literally)...i woke up in the morning to my alarm, not really remembering why i set it so early... then i remembered we were off to enchanted kingdom today with my cousins. i got ready quickly and fixed myself some toast...

my younger sister was supposed to go with us but my evil older sister got in the way. janet had the fault of not finishing her book report early in the sembreak, so julie was on to her as soon as everyone was up. they had this short but intense argument as they were having breakfast, brough about by a simple issue of a messy desk...janet talked back and julie started to throw her things to the floor...i personally was shocked that this happened so early in the morning over a messy desk!!! i felt like i had to do something, so as i went over to my cousin's place, i texted my sister these messages of how i think her harsh behavior was unneccessary. i'm actually very proud of myself because i know i dealt with it with a mature mind and i was the only one who did. being in the moddle of the two, i was in a position of a younger and older brother of two sisters. i think i put some sense into their minds and made them make up. it's funny that i'm supposed to be the agnostic one in the house and all of 'em are supposed to be christians, yet im the one whos the most christ-like among them...i hate that it gives me satisfaction that i am. anyway, it had to be done. just to mediate the two sides....for the sake of our family and keeping a healthy atmosphere around the house. i hate it when people here argue...especially when it's about a fucking desk.

so we were off to ek, with my five cousins, my neice, and my tita. my cousins were first timers, so i became their "tour guide". i showed them where all the great rides were and which to take first. we rode the rollercoaster, anchors away, log jam, ferris wheel, rialto, flying fiesta, 4D, and the rio grande rapids. then another ride on the rollercoaster before going home. i was fun guy in the bunch, convincing them to go on the rides. they were apprehensiva at first but enjoyed themselves soon after. i'd like to believe that i'm one of the fun older cousins...if it was my sister there, they wouldn't have had so many rides. i enjoyed myself as well even if i already knew what i was in for. i'm not afraid to have fu unlike my other siblings and cousins, that's why when they're with me, they get to do things they normally wouldn't be allowed to do. which gives me satisfaction again...it's again for a healthier outlook on life. life is fun if you want it to be....

every thing was going great, we were having one of the best days of our lives...then bad new came when we were about to exit...we got news that our youngest cousin, mariel, a two and a half month old premature baby passed away in the ICU. this made our day less enjoyable as it was meant to be. this stresses my position of being an agnostic. i really don't wanna believe that there is a god and the things that the church (catholic or christian) teach. i'm a very skeptical and logical person, everything has to have an explanation. there's just so many things about god that's unanswered and no one seems to know the answer! i mean for example, if there is a god and he is all powerful, and all merciful, then why the heck does a two-month old baby die like this huh! if everything has a god damn purpose, then tell me what the hell does her death mean??? why did she have to die??? if all life comes from god, then why did he give mariel such a short one? i mean is he trying to play a trick? is this some kind of a divine joke? "i'm gonna give you life...ooops, time to take it back, you weren't supposed to live!" what the fuck! how come criminals and polticians continue to roam our world, yet innocent, pure, clean infants like mariel didn't even get the chance to see anything other than the ICU's ceiling? what's her purpose, did she have one? or was she just something god created but realized she was a reject. if god is fair, then that must mean that he's fake coz this definitely ain't fair in my opinion. my sociology prof was right...things happen...shit happens...there is no destiny, no fate, no purpose, and not all things happen for a reason. i finally believe my professor coz now i have proof. my ex-discipler once told me "give your prof cancer, and you'll see, he'll believe in god..." now i can talk back..."what if your firstborn dies in the ICU...will you still believe that god willed it?" i mean what the hell was he doing if he did? why will he "will" a baby so innocent to die like that? is that what you call mercy? shit. there must be no god...or at least if there is one, he isn't all powerful, all merciful, and all the crap the church says he is. i'll grieve for our loss of mariel, but deep inside i know that this didn't happen for a reason...this wasn't in the plan of a god...it just happened because that's life, nothing else...shit does happen, it's just too bad that it happened to us this time...

sibling rivalry for breakfast............amusement park rides for lunch.............baby-killers for dinner.............
just another day in jax's box..........